How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
