If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
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i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
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The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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