were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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