she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
