I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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