Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
