Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
