Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
