I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
