i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
