did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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