peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
