Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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