1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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