I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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