i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
It's never too late to be topless.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
