those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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