I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I have already put on my inside pants.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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