i barfeds in our rink
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
