True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
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when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
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At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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