i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
