I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
