shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
