wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
