Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
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He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
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If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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