Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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