My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
