Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
