You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
