My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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