I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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