Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
