So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
