i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
