Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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