When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
