my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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