its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
