did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
