I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
