You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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