You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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