you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
