Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
