i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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