I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
