Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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