dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
