I was the one passing out cake at the bars
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
