You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
