His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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