I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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