Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
