did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
one might say we're banned from that church
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
