im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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