I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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