first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
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don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
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I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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