you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
