chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
