she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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