also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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